need to breathe

PANIC ATTACK

I just had one.
It was bad. It was real bad.
I was crying. I still am.

Underlying Cause:
I've been holding so much anger and tension today. As I said, I had a bad day.

Immediate Cause:
Sudden increase of anger because of a certain sudden event.

You know how you've reached enough? The bar? The line?
How you're crossing it. Apparently, I can't hold as much as I thought.

I wasn't raised to shout back at people in more authority than me.
I wasn't raised to fight back against my elders.
I wasn't raised to disrespect them, not even to say what I have to say... even if it's really intense.

So there we go.... I couldn't hold it all in anymore.
But I still couldn't fight back...

That was when my heart started breathing faster.

That was when you could feel the blood pushing and pushing. Until you can't feel the blood anymore since it's moving too fast.

Until I started shaking. Shaking very much.

Until I started breathing deeply to help myself.
Until it didn't help and I started breathing faster. Until I hyperventilated.

Until my whole face became numb. My hand followed.

My skin turned yellow.

My legs turned numb. Then my stomach.

Then tears started flowing. Not dropping. Flowing.

Then I felt like dying. Or killing myself to end the pain.

Then I couldn't even move anymore.

And I was sitting there helpless.

And there you go... Now you can't sleep.
It's all your fault.

I'm a bit better now. Still traumatized.
I might not go to school. I'm thinking about it.

It's a good thing I have relaxation music podcasts.

This is the first time it's ever happened to me.
Although thinking about it, I think it almost happened a couple of times before... closest one? In Church today. No wonder I was thinking about that novel idea.

I wish I had a shrink.